lefthandfree | [meme] open post / picture prompt catch-all

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[meme] open post / picture prompt catch-all

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[Bucky doesn’t need to see Steve’s face to know immediately where Steve’s train of thought went after his quip back, and Bucky already blames himself for bringing Sam up in the first place. Some things never change, and Bucky doesn’t need all his memories to know that Steve always tries to shoulder the blame, even when it’s not his fault or his choice.

But here isn’t the place to pick at that wound. It’s something too personal to even bring up these days, and it makes Bucky wonder if there will ever be a time when they can speak freely again, when the both of them aren’t pretending that everything is fine and carefully choosing their words in some awkward sort of dance.

At Steve’s latter remark, he let’s out a short laugh as he watches his friend for a moment before replying,] Maybe like a fungus he doesn’t want. [It’s in jest, a small quirk of the lips accompanying it.] But at least I’m a fun-guy.

[Yep. Puns sure still are a thing.]

[ Eventually they're going to have to talk more openly about everything, Steve figures. It might be painful and uncomfortable and the last thing either of them want, but they can't just let it stew either. Everything is so raw right now, though, that's simpler to talk around it and make jokes and pretend that they're fine.

Steve doesn't know that Bucky will ever truly be fine. He wants nothing more than to aim for that kind of future, but right now everything's looking pretty bleak.

There are things that make it worth waking up each morning, though. Like that laugh of Bucky's, brief as it might have been. Or the way that Steve's compelled to groan and shake his head at that terrible pun. ]

You keep up like that and yeah, you might be right. [ It's said lightly, meant as a joke, and Steve hopes that it isn't too much. He hates not knowing whether or not he's pushing too hard on a sore spot. ]

[The truth is that what Steve does and says is hardly ever too much. The kid gloves are always on because Steve is too damn scared to mess things up, so it makes it really easy on Bucky to not feel overwhelmed in any capacity, even if Steve manages to find a sore spot. But it’s much easier to leave that between them so he can readily have distance when he needs it instead of pointing out the truth. He tells himself it’s just a little, white lie, a casual omission and nothing more. Yet the guilt lingers.

He throws Steve a smile in response to the groan, knowing it was coming and ready to counter it with another witty remark to further drive the point in that he can still be this Bucky, the old one that enjoyed life endlessly regardless of the burden.

The words get caught in his throat, and he looks away awkwardly when nothing comes out. It's another couple of moments before he can find something to say again.]

This is okay, right? [He’s asking himself as much as he’s asking Steve. There’s oceans between them, and sometimes it’s nice to just remember what they were instead of what they are. He’s changed too much, and he doesn’t want that fact to always be at the forefront of Steve’s mind. That’s not what Steve deserves, and Steve already deserves so much better.] Easier this way.

[ The drawn out silence is impossible to miss, but Steve doesn't draw any attention to it either. This would hardly be the first time that words have gotten lodged somewhere in Bucky's throat, and hell, it happens to Steve too. They're still figuring out how to talk to each other again. Sometimes it feels like both of them are working too hard to imitate how it was before, instead of just letting their interaction develop naturally.

Still, Steve's confident they can reach a point of comfort. It's just going to take some time.

Even when Bucky pins him down with a question, Steve continues weaving his way through the jungle, stepping over a mossy tree log. He isn't going at a quick pace; it's not like he's trying to escape the conversation. But if he pauses, it will add a heavy kind of significance to what they're talking about, and he isn't sure he wants to do that. ]

Well... easier isn't always better. [ Maybe it's working for them for now, but for how long? When does something give? Steve doesn't want it to get to that point. ] What do you want? That might be the better question to ask. [ Steve knows it isn't an easy one for Bucky to answer, but he might need the extra push now. ]

[Silently, he’s grateful that Steve continues, as if keeping their dialogue from falling idle while leading them through the trees way with some sense of purpose. It makes him feel as like there is something at the end for them to find, a proper conclusion for the both of them despite all their struggles, the scrapes and bruises underneath the surface that never quite healed. It wouldn’t be the first time that Steve’s firm persistence keeps his fears grounded. Likely won’t be the last.

But he doesn’t like the question given him, even if Steve says it earnestly with clear motives. It reminds him too much of when Steve used to ask him what he thought of things, just to make sure he was doing the right thing (not that a specific instance comes to mine, but he remembers the way Steve asks so distinctly that he feels as if an example is on the tip of his tongue). He takes a slow breath, drawing his lower lip into his mouth briefly and letting his teeth scrape roughly against the skin as it slips back out.]

Am I supposed to know? What I want. [Because there are only a few things he’s ever really wanted, and none of them are up to Bucky.] Getting by is all I know how to do.

[And it’s really the plain truth. Surviving is all he’s done, making things work so he can keep providing for the people he cares about. Except even that fell apart for him. He isn’t sure saying what he wants at this point will have an affect on things. What he wanted never really made a difference in the first place, all things considered.]

[ That's why Steve always seems to push forward -- holding onto the belief that that there might be some sort of solution or final destination is sometimes the only thing that keeps him going. Even if it's a lie that he tells himself, it doesn't matter so long as it offers that motivation he needs to continue putting one foot in front of the other. There's always some sort of exchange, isn't there? He's lost a lot in the past month or so, but he's gained plenty too. Having Bucky here is more than he ever could have hoped for.

Instead of giving a direct answer, Bucky offers up another question. Steve has to hold back a sigh; he should have known that it wouldn't be that easy. Nothing is, these days.

Steve relates, though. Getting by is all that he knows how to do, too, and he also isn't that clear on what he wants most of the time. Granted, he'd known that he wanted Bucky safe, and he'd torn up a good chunk of his life to make sure that happened. Now they're here, trying to paste the pieces back together.

He looks over his should at Bucky, who's still trailing behind him, though keeps one eye on where he's going. ] Maybe you're overthinking it. [ Worrying too much about what is or isn't allowed, in other words. They're friends. They're supposed to be at ease around each other. The fact that they're not is what seems to be stressing them out. ] Just... don't feel like you need to hold back around me, all right?

[Pot calling the kettle black. He fights the urge to roll his eyes, even though what Steve’s saying isn’t unfounded given their interactions thus far. Something about actually hearing the words come out of Steve’s mouth makes the weight that much lighter though. Enough anyway that Bucky decides to do as Steve has just asked as example of why he probably should hold back regardless. Maybe. Or maybe because all the pleasantries means he’s also been holding out on the criticism that had always come so naturally before, and he's actually kind of sick on holding out on all of it.]

Hi, Pot. I’m Kettle. [The remark is overtly dry, the hint of exasperation clear but also the familiar lilt of something from decades ago makes itself known. He shakes his head to add to his clear annoyance with the situation. But he knows as much as Steve likely does that the air between them is still murky on the best of days.] Ain’t gotta tell me twice.

[That’s the cue by the way, Steve. That he did need to hear this, but you won’t ever have to say it again. It's the first time Steve's said it after all.]

I could say the same for you. [The “you know” goes unsaid because they both know it.] I know it’s not all gonna be sunshine and smiles. That’s just...life. If you think I’m scared about...

[He trails off because there’s any number of things that could go there with the way they’ve been holding back from each other, trying to keep it all simple and light-hearted. Steve can fill it in with whatever he wants.]

—well, I’m not. Maybe then— [The train. Hydra. Falling. Remembering.] —but not anymore. I’m only afraid of what I still can’t control. [That part of his mind they’ve locked away from him.]

[ It had never been beyond Bucky to call Steve out when he thought he was being ridiculous, or overbearing, or a martyr. He'd always talked to Steve straight, told him how it was, and that's something that Steve hadn't quite realized he was missing until he gets it now. He thrives alongside someone who challenges him when that's what's needed.

Because it's true, that Steve hasn't been entirely forthcoming with Bucky either, tiptoeing in hopes that he doesn't prod at a tender spot; that he doesn't touch upon some subject which is still off-limits.

It has to go both ways. He can't behave like Bucky is more wounded or traumatized than he is, whether or not that's the truth.

Steve lets Bucky say his piece, hands finding their way back into his pockets as he nods his understanding. He hadn't meant to imply that Bucky was scared of anything, even if he has every reason to feel that way. Of course, the subject comes back around to the triggers still implanted in Bucky's head, and Steve sighs. ]

We can figure that out. I could contact Natasha, once things have calmed down a little. If anyone would know something about it, it would be her.

[ Anyone on their "side," that is, though Steve can't say that sides exist anymore after the fight at the airport and Siberia. He isn't desperate enough to start tracking down Hydra agents for information, but it's a possibility floating around in the back of his mind. ]

[Though he’d sobered from the initial shift in discussion, the present shift only grounds the reality back into his mind even further. What Hydra has done to him isn’t a simple thing at all, and resolving it won’t be simple either. The truth is jarring for him as when he thinks back on what he had endured, the various conditioning tests initial and otherwise that he’d been subjected to, it all seemed so straightforward at the time, each moment leading into the next without much thought given to why he was put under the same tests over and over again. They were simply trying to break him, he’d thought. Now the notion seems so foolish.

At the suggestion, he finds himself nodding idly, not necessarily agreeing with the idea that Natasha should be involved so much as knowing that this isn’t something that either of them will be able to figure out on their own, regardless of how much Bucky would prefer to contain the situation. The circumstance is humiliating, any way he looks at it, though that doesn’t stop the need for it to be addressed. The commands are what has alienated him from the world in the first place, after all, what made the Winter Soldier so effective and deadly.

He lets Steve’s words linger in the air for a moment before he responds, not wishing to dismiss Steve’s idea so much as extending the solution in another direction as well.] T’Challa’s been looking into it too. With what he could decipher of the Red Book. I don’t doubt there’s something else out there though. That’s got it all written somewhere.

Can’t grow more heads if you’ve got poor documentation, right? [A short laugh follows, amusement mixed with unmistakeable dryness.] But worst comes to worst, I just hide away for the rest of my life. Early retirement. Or something.

[Or freezing himself again. He’s not telling Steve that one until it’s time though. Bucky doesn’t need any more reasons to second guess the decision.]

[ It's a relief to not immediately get push-back from Bucky on this issue. As much as Bucky would rather not have to rely on anyone for help with this, there's no other option when it requires someone knowing how to go into his head and untie all the knots that Hydra had made there. It's going to be a long and painstaking process, Steve imagines, and it's way outside of his league. That's what kills him, that there's so little he can do to help with this, beyond the moral support.

Natasha would never judge. She wouldn't see it as something humiliating, but instead as a problem to be solved efficiently. The healing could come after the unseemly parts were cut away. Either way, Steve has no doubt that she would do whatever she could to help, if he asked.

Steve isn't going to take any issue with more possible solutions, and he nods at the mention of T'Challa. With all of the technology that Wakanda is boasting, it's possible they have access to something that could help. ]

We just need a clue on where to start looking. [ Steve can't help but turning his head to make eye contact then. He knows how fuzzy Bucky's memory is, but if he can start to recall some of the places where he was held, it would give them some good leads. ] We're gonna figure this out, Buck. [ He won't even entertain that last suggestion, that Bucky hide away for the rest of his life.

After everything he's been through? He deserves so much better than that. ]

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