[He chews longer than he needs to as the question churns.]
Well. [He swallows.] They’re not the kind with integrity.
[It’s dismissive, but he believes it wholly. If someone should take responsibility, it might as well be him, someone who’s willing to take the burden rather than ignore the consequences altogether.]
[ Firm, with an immoveable quality that Bucky should be familiar with by now. Wanda isn't interested in impressing her will upon him, though, so she eats. ]
[It’s just the thing Steve would say, though with a different voice and articulation. It doesn’t make it any less right.]
Yeah, I...know.
[He lowers his fork and picks up his mug. The scent is damper than before, but it somehow eases his discomfort a bit.]
But I feel like I’m letting the people that suffered—that are still suffering—down. Not all of it’s ancient history yet. That’s the problem. I don't even know how to...tell Steve.
[Because sure, it’s easy to dismiss it thinking that it’s all behind Bucky, now that he has free will again, but it doesn’t stop the damage for those who still suffer from it now. They’re innocents and have no closure and never will. Why should Bucky have his?]
[ She drinks a little more. There are words, and it's Vision's voice that forms them into neat little rows. Nothing about anything is neat or fair or just, and still. She's never been good at apologies, they feel hollow. There is no way to apologise for what happened with Ultron, or in Lagos, and there are cruelties in smaller yet more significant ways than this. ]
[He snorts softly as he takes a sip. It’s way better than he’d hoped.]
Dunno. She likes watching me more than she likes talking. Ain’t heard a peep out of her directed at me before.
[Not that she avoids him. They just don’t talk, and that’s just how it is. He recognizes what she is, used to be even, from the way she carries herself, and that’s reason enough that he doesn’t want to bother her if she doesn’t want him to. They’ve both enough to carry already.]
[ it is a joke. Natasha perhaps has more insight into this matter than Wanda — she asked for every inch of pain, she knew the decisions she made would hurt others. It is always a matter of measuring. ]
[Maybe he’ll try then. She doesn’t seem bad. Steve likes her, and that says plenty to Buck. For now, he’s more than okay with just hearing Wanda’s thoughts though. As much as her stance is similar to Steve’s, Bucky understands, at least on a fundamental level, that she’s rather like him as well in some ways.]
Yeah, punishment isn’t really meant to help, per se. [There is a bit of amusement there, and he smiles a bit as he takes another drink.]
I’ll think about it. [And he’s back to decimating another meatball.] I remember what fitful sleep felt like. Might be nice to have that at least one night. [Without drinking himself senseless first.]
[Because that’s more the surprise for him than anything else. He knows what he is and how that reflects to others, even though he's not really going out of his way to be standoffish. Or the opposite for that matter.]
[The notion is so foreign to him. He still thinks of them as Steve’s friends and not his own. He’s still a ghost to them, a remnant of a past that Steve can’t even recognize sometimes, so it seems like the most logical thing to assume. Yet, here is Wanda welcoming him, having already accepted him, so freely.
He smiles faintly to himself.]
I would appreciate that. I don’t have much to give you back in return, though.
[And he pauses to think for a moment about what he even has these days.]
[ She knows a little of debts: kindness paid in kindness, honesty paid in the same, as it must be. Wanda ducks her head, looking at her remaining pasta and meatballs. ]
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Well. [He swallows.] They’re not the kind with integrity.
[It’s dismissive, but he believes it wholly. If someone should take responsibility, it might as well be him, someone who’s willing to take the burden rather than ignore the consequences altogether.]
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[ Firm, with an immoveable quality that Bucky should be familiar with by now. Wanda isn't interested in impressing her will upon him, though, so she eats. ]
I understand.
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Yeah, I...know.
[He lowers his fork and picks up his mug. The scent is damper than before, but it somehow eases his discomfort a bit.]
But I feel like I’m letting the people that suffered—that are still suffering—down. Not all of it’s ancient history yet. That’s the problem. I don't even know how to...tell Steve.
[Because sure, it’s easy to dismiss it thinking that it’s all behind Bucky, now that he has free will again, but it doesn’t stop the damage for those who still suffer from it now. They’re innocents and have no closure and never will. Why should Bucky have his?]
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I think you should talk to Natasha.
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Dunno. She likes watching me more than she likes talking. Ain’t heard a peep out of her directed at me before.
[Not that she avoids him. They just don’t talk, and that’s just how it is. He recognizes what she is, used to be even, from the way she carries herself, and that’s reason enough that he doesn’t want to bother her if she doesn’t want him to. They’ve both enough to carry already.]
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[ it is a joke. Natasha perhaps has more insight into this matter than Wanda — she asked for every inch of pain, she knew the decisions she made would hurt others. It is always a matter of measuring. ]
Still. Punishing oneself never helped me.
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Yeah, punishment isn’t really meant to help, per se. [There is a bit of amusement there, and he smiles a bit as he takes another drink.]
I’ll think about it. [And he’s back to decimating another meatball.] I remember what fitful sleep felt like. Might be nice to have that at least one night. [Without drinking himself senseless first.]
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I have more jasmine tea in my room. I will share if you ask nicely.
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[Because that’s more the surprise for him than anything else. He knows what he is and how that reflects to others, even though he's not really going out of his way to be standoffish. Or the opposite for that matter.]
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[ Whether he also sees it that way is irrelevant to her; Wanda's only family left is Steve, Clint, Sam, and Natasha. ]
Of course I will share.
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He smiles faintly to himself.]
I would appreciate that. I don’t have much to give you back in return, though.
[And he pauses to think for a moment about what he even has these days.]
You ever gone dancing?
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No. I don't know how.
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I’ll show you then. Favor for a favor.
And it won’t be that bull that kids call dancin’ these days. They ain’t got a clue what real dancing is anymore.
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Very well. Real dancing. I will hold you to it.
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Perfect.