lefthandfree | [meme] open post / picture prompt catch-all

[ If it's true, then, ]

I'm not him either.

[ It's the little things, Bucky trying to track a higher sightline, the adjustment in his gait when he had to walk on Steve's left when this body was new to them both. The man he is now hasn't had the time his younger self did to consolidate himself in Bucky's memories. It must be confusing, and if it is, it must lacerate. Steve doesn't blame him. Never could. ]

That's okay, right?

Of course it’s okay, pal. [He blurts it out without even thinking because it’s the fucking truth.] Why wouldn’t it be? You finally get to do everything you wanna.

[Don’t have anything to prove anymore. Don’t even need Bucky to make sure you’re all right, ’cause you’re plenty all right now, and Bucky’s the one trying not to hyperventilate instead.

Talk about a cruel twist of fate.]

Was always the inside that mattered, Steve. I didn’t ever stay cause I felt bad for you; I stayed ’cause you’re the best damn thing in the world, and no one else could see that.

[Then. Nowadays, everyone seems to have an idea, even if it’s not the full picture.]

[ Not everything. Sometimes he wanders around the halls like the real ghost, because there's too much restlessness, and Steve isn't too keen on sleeping if it means there's too much violence alive in him. Nothing exists except the soldier, but sometimes, sometimes, Steve comes up for air. ]

Then why won't you let me think the same about you?

[ His jaw sets just the way he's about to dig in his heels and snap, no, you move. ]

You're my best guy.

’Cause the Reds didn’t chew you up and spit you out, Stevie.

[He sighs faintly. He knows Steve will probably still disagree with him, but...]

You’ve always had that goodness in you. Never changed even with the Howlies. I saw it every damn day and was so fuckin’ proud...

But I don’t think I was even me anymore when you found on that table. Nothing really felt right anymore, even when it was supposed t’ be.

[He just never knew how to say it, and maybe saying it all now is too late, but he’s gotta say if Steve’s ever gonna understand.]

[ He exhales explosively, and his shoulders drop. They have names for it now, post traumatic stress. Even then Steve's not so sure they're anywhere near close to figuring out how to live with it. Sam's made it, but he's resilient. ]

Why did you pull me from the Potomac, Buck?

[ He shifts, rests his cheek on the crown of Bucky's head. Softly, ]

Sure, you got real quiet in the War, but you were never cruel. I coulda written up the papers for a discharge, God knows I woulda gotten away with it too. Not once did you ask. Pal, I don't need you to come back actin' like the same fella you were, or bein' some way you think is right for me. I just need you to be here. You're what kept me going then, and that hasn't changed.

[He falls silent and just listens. Because Steve is reason while his own mind is chaos right now. But it still gets jumbled up, and he just doesn’t know.]

How’m I supposed to keep you going if I don’t know who the fuck I’m supposed to be?

[It comes out a little harsher than he intends, so he mumbles a quiet apology before he continues.]

I know how to be who I was before and during, but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to be like now. I don’t know what to do with anything, it’s—Christ—terrifying, okay? The only me I know how to be now is what they did to me. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to be that. So what am I? Who am I supposed to be if it’s not for you?

[He doesn’t expect an answer. Really, he could be asking God or whoever else at this point. But it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t expect an answer.]

[ Softly, ]

I didn't — I'm not trying to put it on you.

[ And he wouldn't, anyway, Steve only has what he thinks Buck might need, and they are the same in needing purpose. When he was another man he said you're my mission, but Steve was always his mission. ]

Sorry.

[ He doesn't have answers. This is more Sam's wheelhouse than his. All Steve has is the patience he can scrabble together and hand clumsily to his best friend, and hope it will be enough. ]

I'm so sorry.

[He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Defeat hurts. Bucky wishes it didn’t happen every damn day.]

No, no.

C’mon, Stevie, don’t be sorry. I know you weren’t—

[A proper sigh this time as he presses into Steve. Fuck pretense.]

It’s not you. It was never you. It’s just my shit, and you don’t need my shit like this.

[What a royal fuck-up. Good job making things worse for your best guy, Barnes.]

I should— [He draws back.] —go.

[Collect his head. That way Steve doesn’t have to see how broken he really is and how none of the pieces fit right anymore.]

I’ll ruin your morning at this rate.

You never asked for it either!

[ Maybe it comes out too defensive, but Steve doesn't give a fuck about that. He makes an abortive moment to be close to Buck, and ends up just with a hand on his elbow, lightly. Can't stop him from leaving if that's what he really wants to do, but Steve hopes that he'll stay. Might not talk, but being near him is enough of a salve. ]

Bucky.

[The way Steve says his name always arrests him. He can be mad out of his head, but as long as he hears Steve say his name, he’ll stop, take a breath, and look Steve’s way.

It’s what he does now, and given their proximity, it’s just a simple tilt of the head. Up as is the new usual. He's still breathing hard, but his attention is all Steve.]

...yeah?

[It’s quiet. Controlled in a way he shouldn’t be but is.]

[ Steve's hand drops. He's abruptly conscious, and hunches up his shoulders, feeling small. ]

Do you need to go?

[ Because if it is, he will put away everything that screams for Buck to stay here, where he's safe and they can protect him. ]

[He doesn’t really know.]

I don’t want to.

[But does he need to? Even now, his heart slows, and he feels a gentle ache because he knows he's hurting Steve.]

Do you...

[...and then he can’t bring himself to finish. He doesn’t have a right to ask. He’s already made such a mess.]

[ Pain is nothing. It can be borne, and since the procedure he can breathe, sickness of the body rolls off him. This is only an iota of the pain Bucky's gone through over the years; Steve has no right. No right at all. ]

I want you to stay.

Okay.

[And that’s all it takes. His heart steadies. Is this what he needs?

He leans in again, unsure of if Steve’s willing to lend his shoulder. Air flows through him, and he doesn’t care.]

I’m here.

[meme] open post / picture prompt catch-all

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