lefthandfree | [meme] open post / picture prompt catch-all

[ It's all right, because Wanda always listens, even when she feels she's not supposed to. Survival instincts don't change so easily, even when she's had a year to settle into some kind of new life. He waits for her to sit before he does, and it is, again, endearing. ]

[ It is very clear why Steve likes him. ]

You're welcome.

[ She ventures, gently, ]

Is it often that you can't sleep?

[He wants to laugh hollowly at that. But that would be damn rude since she's genuinely curious and not just being shallow.]

Rather I just keep waking up, honestly.

[If that was less of a problem, sleep would happen more. But often it happens too much. and it culminates in a sense of unease that makes him loath the idea of waking again. Instead he stays up to prevent that, if not to write a new memory down.]

I don’t like being woken up early.

[Never did. Sure, he would wake up himself if he needed to, but on days when he wanted to sleep in and could, he wouldn’t budge, no matter how much Steve nudged him to get his ass out of bed.]

[ It is a lead-in, like a testing blow. Natasha teaches her hand to hand and here the Dora Milaje have taken over that role and are similarly merciless. ]

If you want — [ she hesitates, picking at her food ] I could... help.

Help.

[It comes out flatly as he’s clearly pondering the suggestion.]

In which way?

[Because he knows everyone wants to help. But everyone’s idea of helping is different.]

[ Her fork traces an o in the bowl, scraping the bottom. Everyone's idea of helping is different. Stark throws gifts and expects there to be no hard feelings; Wanda thinks he is so, so soft, and so easy to hurt. There is no one who can properly be a crutch until you stand — you either do it or you never do, but she had Steve and Natasha and Clint who let her stand and built the home around her so she could wake up to it. Her fingers flex. ]

With my power. It will put you to sleep.

[He tenses immediately, even having some idea of what the initial suggestion had entailed, and it’s not out of fear from her, but out of fear of what it means. His memories are his burden to carry, dreams or not. Is it even morally right to disengage from them to find his own peace, even if only physically?

Bucky mutilates a meatball pensively as he debates it for a moment.]

Is that right though? To just...ignore the things I did, so I can sleep. I feel like it’s not...fair.

[ She smothers a laugh — too cold, not part of the person she's trying to be — it comes out a huff. It's still a novelty, feeling no fear directed at herself, nothing that flinches. Perhaps it makes an ironic kind of sense. ]

The world is not fair at all.

[ And you can either let it happen around you or be willing to take something by the throat. ]

[He chuckles dryly, understanding what she says of course but feeling so much different, even now.]

Doesn’t mean we can’t try to make it so that it is, though.

[That’s what Steve’s always done. And that’s why it’s so hard for Bucky to let that go, even as much as he wants to. It’s part of him now, for better or for worse.]

Sure, sometimes it might seem like a losing battle, but...the small victories are still victories. Every little bit counts.

I feel, anyway.

Yes.

[ Another o, before she puts her fork down and sips the cooling tea. ]

It also does not mean you need to suffer when you are trying to rest.

Only if it’s not what I deserve.

[He tries to eat the mutilated meatball. It’s...a challange.]

I took away enough. It’s only right that I’m taken from.

And who is paying for ruining your life?

[ it is sharp. Sokovia is no breeding ground for gentleness, and Wanda can taste the meatball in his mouth, the movement of the muscle, all the lines of thought in a mind. Yes perhaps she spends too much time with Steve, but they are alike. ]

[He chews longer than he needs to as the question churns.]

Well. [He swallows.] They’re not the kind with integrity.

[It’s dismissive, but he believes it wholly. If someone should take responsibility, it might as well be him, someone who’s willing to take the burden rather than ignore the consequences altogether.]

And you are not a scapegoat.

[ Firm, with an immoveable quality that Bucky should be familiar with by now. Wanda isn't interested in impressing her will upon him, though, so she eats. ]

I understand.

[It’s just the thing Steve would say, though with a different voice and articulation. It doesn’t make it any less right.]

Yeah, I...know.

[He lowers his fork and picks up his mug. The scent is damper than before, but it somehow eases his discomfort a bit.]

But I feel like I’m letting the people that suffered—that are still suffering—down. Not all of it’s ancient history yet. That’s the problem. I don't even know how to...tell Steve.

[Because sure, it’s easy to dismiss it thinking that it’s all behind Bucky, now that he has free will again, but it doesn’t stop the damage for those who still suffer from it now. They’re innocents and have no closure and never will. Why should Bucky have his?]

[ She drinks a little more. There are words, and it's Vision's voice that forms them into neat little rows. Nothing about anything is neat or fair or just, and still. She's never been good at apologies, they feel hollow. There is no way to apologise for what happened with Ultron, or in Lagos, and there are cruelties in smaller yet more significant ways than this. ]

I think you should talk to Natasha.

[He snorts softly as he takes a sip. It’s way better than he’d hoped.]

Dunno. She likes watching me more than she likes talking. Ain’t heard a peep out of her directed at me before.

[Not that she avoids him. They just don’t talk, and that’s just how it is. He recognizes what she is, used to be even, from the way she carries herself, and that’s reason enough that he doesn’t want to bother her if she doesn’t want him to. They’ve both enough to carry already.]

Edited 2016-08-20 06:04 (UTC)

She likes you.

[ it is a joke. Natasha perhaps has more insight into this matter than Wanda — she asked for every inch of pain, she knew the decisions she made would hurt others. It is always a matter of measuring. ]

Still. Punishing oneself never helped me.

Edited (fusses) 2016-08-20 06:41 (UTC)

[Maybe he’ll try then. She doesn’t seem bad. Steve likes her, and that says plenty to Buck. For now, he’s more than okay with just hearing Wanda’s thoughts though. As much as her stance is similar to Steve’s, Bucky understands, at least on a fundamental level, that she’s rather like him as well in some ways.]

Yeah, punishment isn’t really meant to help, per se. [There is a bit of amusement there, and he smiles a bit as he takes another drink.]

I’ll think about it. [And he’s back to decimating another meatball.] I remember what fitful sleep felt like. Might be nice to have that at least one night. [Without drinking himself senseless first.]

[ She smiles at him, warmly. ]

I have more jasmine tea in my room. I will share if you ask nicely.

You wouldn’t mind sharing with me?

[Because that’s more the surprise for him than anything else. He knows what he is and how that reflects to others, even though he's not really going out of his way to be standoffish. Or the opposite for that matter.]

You're part of us now.

[ Whether he also sees it that way is irrelevant to her; Wanda's only family left is Steve, Clint, Sam, and Natasha. ]

Of course I will share.

[The notion is so foreign to him. He still thinks of them as Steve’s friends and not his own. He’s still a ghost to them, a remnant of a past that Steve can’t even recognize sometimes, so it seems like the most logical thing to assume. Yet, here is Wanda welcoming him, having already accepted him, so freely.

He smiles faintly to himself.]

I would appreciate that. I don’t have much to give you back in return, though.

[And he pauses to think for a moment about what he even has these days.]

You ever gone dancing?

[ She knows a little of debts: kindness paid in kindness, honesty paid in the same, as it must be. Wanda ducks her head, looking at her remaining pasta and meatballs. ]

No. I don't know how.

[That’s the ticket, then. He smiles as he twirls pasta onto his fork, something he'd been avoiding but now feels comfortable enough to do.]

I’ll show you then. Favor for a favor.

And it won’t be that bull that kids call dancin’ these days. They ain’t got a clue what real dancing is anymore.

[ The curve of her mouth turns fond. ]

Very well. Real dancing. I will hold you to it.

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lefthandfree - 2016-08-23 05:28 (UTC) - Expand