lefthandfree | [meme] open post / picture prompt catch-all

My good looks.

[ He shoves at Bucky gently, and just hums contentedly at Bucky ruffling his hair, settling on the grass next to him. This sketch is never getting finished and they should probably troop back for breakfast in the mess, but he can't be bothered. ]

[He gives a short laugh at that and shakes his head.]

Yeah. You’re prettier than some of the dames I took out dancin’, that's for sure.

[And now he doesn’t want to move because this is the closest he’s been to hugging Steve. He wants to finish it, pull Steve into his arms and press him to his chest like he can melt into the annoying shit he calls his best guy, but he doesn’t have another arm to do it with.

He leans in closer, pressing his temple to Steve’s as his hand drops from Steve’s hair.]

I miss us.

[He says it flatly, like he doesn’t believe it exists anymore, but he knows it’s there because they’re here, and Steve cleaned up his fop like it was nothing.]

I miss us so goddamn much, Steve—Christ.

[He knows he shouldn’t be saying this now, before they have to go in and face everyone else, but he can’t help it anymore. He’s tired. He just wants to breathe.]

[ He doesn't hesitate. Ain't much of it to be doin', not where Bucky's concerned. Steve draws him into a tight hug, mumbles something soft in his ear, akin to all the calm little nothings Bucky used to say when Steve was delirious. All the gentleness he showed — 'course, Steve hated it then. The best guy a fella could never know, stuck at the bedside of a kid who wasn't going to make it to eighteen. ]

It's okay.

[ He runs his fingers through Bucky's hair, gently. ]

I know. It's okay.

[The air feels like it’s being ripped from his lungs. He presses harder into Steve, just the way Steve used to when he couldn’t make sense of things but only knew that Bucky was there and that he wanted Bucky. He draws Steve as close as he can with his single arm and tries to keep his breath steady while his nerves dance anxiously at how much he feels but doesn’t know how to express anymore. His mind has trouble keeping up, so his eyes squeeze shut to focus on just breathing.

Gradually, Steve’s gentle coaxing eases him down. Then, there’s only guilt left.]

Shit— sorry— I shouldn’t— I can’t do this to you—fuck—it’s damn unfair, and I don’t wanna ruin things.

[It was going so good and then you had to fuck it up, Barnes. Fucking typical.]

You ain't.

[ His breathing slows, knowing Bucky's will synchronise. It's an old trick of Buck's borrowed for now. Steve only has his example to go from when it comes to worryin' about other folk. He isn't the kind to sit at someone's bedside. He would for Bucky, but even that feels something he doesn't know how to do. ]

[ A voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Natasha says he might want to work on that. ]

We just need a little time, that's all, pal.

[He’s having trouble catching his breath until he hears Steve taking noticeable, slow breaths of his own. As soon as he recognizes the intent, he starts matching his breaths to Steve’s. His heart clenches briefly from the sudden change, but gradually Bucky feels control return and, along with it, the air Steve gives him. He takes a few seconds before he tries speaking again.]

Y- Yeah. [Croaked. He clears his throat and tries again.] Yeah. Time.

[It was never on their side though. They’d lost how many years? Geeze...]

I ain’t leavin’ you on a damn beach again, that’s for sure.

[He chuckles quietly, trying to lighten the mood.]

[ He cards his hand through Bucky's hair one last time then pries himself away to give him some space, but not too far. That would feel like letting him go only to fall. Steve frowns. ]

You don't gotta do that. [ he grimaces ] Try to be normal.

[ They are both so far from it it's laughable. And it doesn't work the same way it once did in the War, they won't get anywhere by avoiding the fact that they're fucked up. ]

Please?

Shit— [He shakes his head. It feels wrong to fake it now, and Bucky feels horrible for trying. He doesn’t want Steve to think he wants to hide or that he doesn’t want to be honest with him. He takes a deep breath and sighs through his nose.

Normal. What does that even mean?]

Sorry. [He’s quiet now, rather ashamed.] Don’t mean to be like that with you. Don’t wanna. It just happens, and...

Fuck, I just don’t know how to talk right with you anymore, and I— [His voice grows strained and harsh so he stops and shakes his head again to try and stifle the anger he directs at no one.]

I’m just no good like this. Not for you. Not for anyone.

[Despite this, he leans back in toward Steve because he can't stop himself.]

[ Wouldn't blame him if he wanted to keep to himself. Steve knows him: at least, he knows the most important pieces aren't gone, and Bucky never did anything without good reason. He wouldn't have betrayed anyone without the horrific treatment he endured and even then, Bucky pulled him from the river. ]

Bucky.

[ Steve pulls him in close, fingers curling in his shirt. Fiercely, ]

You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Ain't nothing coulda changed that.

[He shakes his head, even as he presses closer, with his mouth ajar, ready to say something that never quite reaches his mouth. His tongue darts out to dampen his lips—why’s his damn mouth so dry?—and he chews on his lower lip as he tries to figure out what to say.

Eventually, he gets there, and when he does, he reaches up to grasp on to Steve’s shoulder.]

But that was then, Steve. I dunno if I’m even him anymore.

[And it hurts to say because it’s more than likely true, and if it’s true, then he definitely isn’t what Steve needs.]

[ If it's true, then, ]

I'm not him either.

[ It's the little things, Bucky trying to track a higher sightline, the adjustment in his gait when he had to walk on Steve's left when this body was new to them both. The man he is now hasn't had the time his younger self did to consolidate himself in Bucky's memories. It must be confusing, and if it is, it must lacerate. Steve doesn't blame him. Never could. ]

That's okay, right?

Of course it’s okay, pal. [He blurts it out without even thinking because it’s the fucking truth.] Why wouldn’t it be? You finally get to do everything you wanna.

[Don’t have anything to prove anymore. Don’t even need Bucky to make sure you’re all right, ’cause you’re plenty all right now, and Bucky’s the one trying not to hyperventilate instead.

Talk about a cruel twist of fate.]

Was always the inside that mattered, Steve. I didn’t ever stay cause I felt bad for you; I stayed ’cause you’re the best damn thing in the world, and no one else could see that.

[Then. Nowadays, everyone seems to have an idea, even if it’s not the full picture.]

[ Not everything. Sometimes he wanders around the halls like the real ghost, because there's too much restlessness, and Steve isn't too keen on sleeping if it means there's too much violence alive in him. Nothing exists except the soldier, but sometimes, sometimes, Steve comes up for air. ]

Then why won't you let me think the same about you?

[ His jaw sets just the way he's about to dig in his heels and snap, no, you move. ]

You're my best guy.

’Cause the Reds didn’t chew you up and spit you out, Stevie.

[He sighs faintly. He knows Steve will probably still disagree with him, but...]

You’ve always had that goodness in you. Never changed even with the Howlies. I saw it every damn day and was so fuckin’ proud...

But I don’t think I was even me anymore when you found on that table. Nothing really felt right anymore, even when it was supposed t’ be.

[He just never knew how to say it, and maybe saying it all now is too late, but he’s gotta say if Steve’s ever gonna understand.]

[ He exhales explosively, and his shoulders drop. They have names for it now, post traumatic stress. Even then Steve's not so sure they're anywhere near close to figuring out how to live with it. Sam's made it, but he's resilient. ]

Why did you pull me from the Potomac, Buck?

[ He shifts, rests his cheek on the crown of Bucky's head. Softly, ]

Sure, you got real quiet in the War, but you were never cruel. I coulda written up the papers for a discharge, God knows I woulda gotten away with it too. Not once did you ask. Pal, I don't need you to come back actin' like the same fella you were, or bein' some way you think is right for me. I just need you to be here. You're what kept me going then, and that hasn't changed.

[He falls silent and just listens. Because Steve is reason while his own mind is chaos right now. But it still gets jumbled up, and he just doesn’t know.]

How’m I supposed to keep you going if I don’t know who the fuck I’m supposed to be?

[It comes out a little harsher than he intends, so he mumbles a quiet apology before he continues.]

I know how to be who I was before and during, but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to be like now. I don’t know what to do with anything, it’s—Christ—terrifying, okay? The only me I know how to be now is what they did to me. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to be that. So what am I? Who am I supposed to be if it’s not for you?

[He doesn’t expect an answer. Really, he could be asking God or whoever else at this point. But it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t expect an answer.]

[ Softly, ]

I didn't — I'm not trying to put it on you.

[ And he wouldn't, anyway, Steve only has what he thinks Buck might need, and they are the same in needing purpose. When he was another man he said you're my mission, but Steve was always his mission. ]

Sorry.

[ He doesn't have answers. This is more Sam's wheelhouse than his. All Steve has is the patience he can scrabble together and hand clumsily to his best friend, and hope it will be enough. ]

I'm so sorry.

[He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Defeat hurts. Bucky wishes it didn’t happen every damn day.]

No, no.

C’mon, Stevie, don’t be sorry. I know you weren’t—

[A proper sigh this time as he presses into Steve. Fuck pretense.]

It’s not you. It was never you. It’s just my shit, and you don’t need my shit like this.

[What a royal fuck-up. Good job making things worse for your best guy, Barnes.]

I should— [He draws back.] —go.

[Collect his head. That way Steve doesn’t have to see how broken he really is and how none of the pieces fit right anymore.]

I’ll ruin your morning at this rate.

You never asked for it either!

[ Maybe it comes out too defensive, but Steve doesn't give a fuck about that. He makes an abortive moment to be close to Buck, and ends up just with a hand on his elbow, lightly. Can't stop him from leaving if that's what he really wants to do, but Steve hopes that he'll stay. Might not talk, but being near him is enough of a salve. ]

Bucky.

[The way Steve says his name always arrests him. He can be mad out of his head, but as long as he hears Steve say his name, he’ll stop, take a breath, and look Steve’s way.

It’s what he does now, and given their proximity, it’s just a simple tilt of the head. Up as is the new usual. He's still breathing hard, but his attention is all Steve.]

...yeah?

[It’s quiet. Controlled in a way he shouldn’t be but is.]

[ Steve's hand drops. He's abruptly conscious, and hunches up his shoulders, feeling small. ]

Do you need to go?

[ Because if it is, he will put away everything that screams for Buck to stay here, where he's safe and they can protect him. ]

[He doesn’t really know.]

I don’t want to.

[But does he need to? Even now, his heart slows, and he feels a gentle ache because he knows he's hurting Steve.]

Do you...

[...and then he can’t bring himself to finish. He doesn’t have a right to ask. He’s already made such a mess.]

[ Pain is nothing. It can be borne, and since the procedure he can breathe, sickness of the body rolls off him. This is only an iota of the pain Bucky's gone through over the years; Steve has no right. No right at all. ]

I want you to stay.

Okay.

[And that’s all it takes. His heart steadies. Is this what he needs?

He leans in again, unsure of if Steve’s willing to lend his shoulder. Air flows through him, and he doesn’t care.]

I’m here.

[meme] open post / picture prompt catch-all

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject